A Sad Day.

I heard some news last night; my phone dinged and my Fitbit buzzed while cutting salad. I used a knuckle rather than tomato-covered finger to unlock my phone. I guessed it was going to be my mom asking me how my day was, or my good friend wishing the Giant’s a good baseball game that was about to start. It wasn’t that at all. It was from an unexpected person to tell me unexpected news about Mark.

Maybe you’ve read my other posts about my time with Mark; the good and the bad, but most of all it was Mark that introduced me to meth, and after four years, our relationship ended and we were divorced. Our dreams and wonderful life together were ripped apart by meth and sent us in opposite directions. We don’t have any children together and I signed the house over to him, so it was a clean break. Until I received this text I hadn’t heard anything about him for a couple of years. A mutual saw our (well, his) Harley in a pawn shop for sale, and I had heard that he ended up losing the house was staying with friends. He had lost everything too. But this news sunk my heart.

I’m still friends with our dealer/friend’s wife. We’ve talked a bit here and there and she was the one who told me all the other news I had heard about Mark. In fact, the other time I hear from her is if she has some news about Mark. She never really like Mark for whatever reason, and so it was always with an amount of disdain and triumph when she related what was happening with him. She was the one who texted me last night.

She was driving downtown and saw a bum sitting on the side of the road. Then she realized it was Mark. She stopped and talked to him. He doesn’t want a job and is happy where he is at. In her text, she laughed and called him a loser. I think she expected me to agree. But I didn’t.

I don’t at all wish any bad on him for what happened to us. I look back and see how it was part of God’s plan to rescue me from the situation and take me away from him. I shook my head over the news that he had lost the Harley, the house, the dog, his horse, and everything else; but didn’t wish him any bad. I got away from the meth and now live a beautiful normal life.

No, indeed my heart sank for him. I can’t see him as a bum. He was so fun, so full of life, so driven, and loved his job. I saw him falling apart while we were on meth; he struggling with diabetes and he weight was always an issue. He was angry a lot. But even with all of this, I saw who he was when he was trotting his filly up the road with his cowboy hat on, or when he was strapping on his helmet and starting the Harley.

There are a couple of points I want to make of all this. Friend, meth will take everything. If you don’t think that this will happen to you – that you can hold all your dreams in your hand and still use meth, you are WRONG. Meth will SLOWLY eat away at everything that makes life meaningful. Meth will slowly eat away at everything that makes up your everyday life. Meth will eat your finances, relationships, your personal belongings, and send your dreams packing. Is this what you want? Do you want a friend to find you sitting on the street?

I called my dad, who knew Mark really good and had a good real relationship with him while we were together, and told him about where Mark is at these days. He immediately started starting talking about personal choices. Yes, absolutely meth is a choice to do it or not to do it. I know from personal experience that the choice not to do meth seems impossible when you are in the middle of its death grip and its controlling your everyday existence, but like my dad said, I made the choice one day to let go of the grip. I didn’t do it with my Strength, but the CHOICE was mine.

Friend, this will be your road if you don’t quit now. Life will not all of a sudden get easier or more stable as long as you are on meth. I know from experience that while you are using you are always anticipating the next event that will supposedly make everything okay and it may or may not come, but then there is some other drama that requires stress and attention that takes you back to square one and using more. Example? You just spent a good part of your paycheck on meth but your car payment is due. You are tweaking and stressing, tweaking and stressing, and finally ask a family member for the difference of the payment, and you make the payment! PHEW! Celebrate with snorting a big fat line that crosses your eyes. The money comes with a promise that as soon as you get paid, you’ll pay them back. Two days later, you are out of gas with no money to get to work. You are so tweaked out that you can’t even call in to lie to them that you are sick and not coming (yeah, that’s happened to me before). The next day, a friend takes you to work only to find out that you’ve called in too many times and you are fired. Now you freak out by smoking a big fat bowl and try drowning your stress. And that moment, the family member calls to make sure the car payment went through and to see if everything else is okay…. Well, the snowball has just gotten bigger, and now it’s an avalanche. Friend, this will be your road if you don’t quit now.

But did you know that you don’t have to quit alone? Do you know you have a Savior? Wow, have you realized that? Do you know that your life can be given back to you? Yeah, the dreams and goals might be different now that you are thinking straight, but the new dreams and goals are better than whatever you thought you wanted while you were tweaking. You don’t have to end up sitting on the street when you can be rescued by a Savior. In case you don’t know His name, it’s Jesus.

I’m very sad for Mark and but there isn’t anything I can do about his choices. I’m grateful that I was removed from that life and I’m grateful that the future is bright and I’m looking for my spot in heaven.

Mark, I wish you knew your Savior. I know that you say that you are happy on the street but I know that you had plans for a life that was a lot better. Today isn’t too late to make a new choice – it’s never too late for a new choice. Stay warm, my old friend.

Till next time, peace.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. Jeremiah 29:11


About Carlee Walker

My name is Carlee and I'm a meth addict. I've been clean for nine years and celebrating normal life. Yes, a meth addict can have a normal life and the addiction can be like a scar on the knee. AND you don't have to face your addiction alone! Jesus has already promised to help us if we just call on Him - and my life is now fulfilling thanks to Him. Come, journey with me. Share with me. Grow with me. Together, we can celebrate normal life.