It’s December 2015 and it’s a good time to reflect on that last month I did meth because it was an impactful month, and at the time during that month eight years ago, I didn’t even know how much my life was about to change.
I could see that my relationship with my current husband, Jack (who was my boyfriend of 3 years at the time) was falling apart just like my marriage with Mark had and meth was the cause. I knew it! The good times were good but the bad were BAD and meth was the underlying factor. So, Jack and I decided that we would come down together on New Year’s Eve.
We were easily spending a couple of hundred a week on meth and bills weren’t getting paid. At this time we were living in a duplex with a couple of friends (who were basically mooching off of us), he was bartending, and I was working at a thoroughbred horse barn cleaning stalls. Yeah, you might be thinking that must have been a low job for me, but to me, it was one of my most enjoyable and physically hard jobs I’ve done. I love horses more than I love most people so it was a dream job for me (plus I lost my last job being caught high on meth at work – yeah, will tell you more about that later). However, it was a job that I NEEDED meth because it was so physically taxing on me. You can’t party all night at the bar with your boyfriend, get up at 6am to drive 40 minutes to physically shovel frozen horse manure, and get dragged around by 1400lb beasts without meth. Can’t be done. And besides, at this point I was wearing a size 0 and was barely eating because you can’t afford meth and food, right? Know what I’m talking about?
So the thought of quitting, though necessary for our life and relationship, was SUPER scary because there was no way I thought I could survive and not have it. But I knew I needed to quit. However, there were several logistical issues to quitting:
- Since I had quite before two years prior, I knew that quitting was going to be the hardest thing I was going to do again. I knew the torture I was about to put myself through. I knew that I was about to go into a state of basically non-existence for at least five days. That posed a huge problem with both of our jobs because neither of us had jobs that allowed for time off. I had called in already several times because I had either been too high to get to work or too strung out to get to work. So I knew I couldn’t take any time off, and Jack was a bartender. He could call in if he had someone to cover for him but then that would mean zero money coming in for both of us for those days we couldn’t life our heads off the pillow. And, of course, rent was due on the 1st when we would be in the middle of the fight for our lives.
- When I could finally get out of bed, I would have to face driving 40 minutes to work. Look, driving is already a huge task even when you are high because it requires you to sit still. And sitting sill either means you are a vibrating, nervous wreck or sleeping. One or the other. So after coming down and you are already SO EXHAUSTED, driving is super scary! And 40 minutes in the winter freaked me out.
- This time it felt like it was going to be easier to quit because I was doing it with someone who I loved. It felt like it was going to be easier to share the terrible experience with. However, I felt deep down that I wanted it more for us than him. I kinda felt like I was pressuring him to quit, and he wasn’t in it whole hearted (which proved to be right later). So even though we were quitting for our relationship sake, I wasn’t 100% confident of success.
SO, since the plan was in place that we were going to quit, we thought we better go as hard as possible and enjoy this last crazy ride before it went away. Great thinking, right?!? Typical addict. We did more meth than we had ever done. It was crazy how high we were getting, how much money we were spending on it, and we just rode the snowball effect of what was happening to us. Of course, we were also drinking and smoking a lot of pot as well so there was more ups and downs than an elevator.
And then the bomb hit. Two weeks before Christmas, I realized my period hadn’t started. I was using birth control and was too high to really give it much thought, but then one day I realized that maybe I should take a test. And it was positive.
Now this to deal with. I was SO HIGH all the time! I was smoking so much meth, I was drinking so much alcohol, I was smoking so much pot, I was barely eating and everything I was eating was totally unhealthy. And a seed was planted. Talk about anxiety, but then I was too high to be too anxious. The best way to deal with news like that is to get higher, right? If you’re an addict, you know the best way to deal with extreme news is to get high. When I told Jack, he was so high that he didn’t know what else to do but get higher.
But now, besides dealing with the logistics of coming down, I needed to decided what I was going to do. You might be thinking, ‘what could you possibly deciding about?’ At this point, I honestly didn’t know except I was thinking over and over, ‘WHAT AM I GOING TO DO.’
Christmas came but I don’t remember it. I certainly didn’t spend it with family. I seriously doubt I did anything healthy. I know I was higher than a kite and freaked out. It was one more week before it was time to let go of meth. That week, I remember it being super cold while working outside with the horses and thinking over and over what I was going to do. I had plenty of time shoveling manure to think about my options. The pregnancy was starting to make me sick now and I determined I had to be about eight weeks pregnant. I remember feeling anxiety, stress, totally overwhelmed, depressed, fearful, alone, and high. And I have to basically hide all these feelings from the world around because no one, except Jack, even has a clue of what I’m going through – that is a totally taxing and exhausting experience just to try to be “normal” to everyone around so they don’t know that you are a pregnant meth addict. I was at my lowest point.
I’m leaving this right here for you to ponder. Maybe you are sitting here reading this feeling exactly the same thing. Your stomach is in knots all the time now (and possibly touching your backbone because you haven’t eaten). Maybe you are sitting here not knowing what your addict is facing or feeling before coming down. Some addicts have a worse “lowest point” before decided what to do next. What would you do?
If only my head had been clear and I was holding God’s hand through that week. But it’s the weight I had to bear that lead me to the door of walking away from meth forever. Yeah, I’ll tell you about that New Year’s soon.
Where was God in all this mess? You know, I look back and I know exactly where He was. He was letting me go through this to make sure I’d never use again. He had plans for me. He was calling me out of my chains. He was letting me experience this terrible hardship that I had brought down on myself so He could use me for His purpose. He knew it would take time – He was waiting for me to ask for help. He was there waiting – just like He’s waiting for you.
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Behold, all who are incensed against you shall be put to shame and confounded; those who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish. You shall seek those who contend with you, but you shall not find them; those who war against you shall be as nothing at all. For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41:10-13
What happens next? Read it here….