“The option of rehab is still available, and I guess I’ll still think about it but there are a couple problems… So if I go, I have to come home to my boyfriend using and force myself to not use, and my son doesn’t know I ever started it again.”
Dilemmas of coming down
When you’ve reached your lowest point and you realize that it’s time to let go of meth’s hand, you start to think of the logistics of coming down. What about my relationship? What will my family think if they find out that I’m going to rehab? What about life after rehab? Can I stay sober after rehab or is going to be a losing battle? Facing these issues can be enough to not even try. It seems so much easier to struggle on in meth’s death grip than it is to become clean and face all these issues. But when you are faced with your life collapsing and your lowest point is only a bowl away, in desperation you start desiring for a change.
When I realized that I could no longer do meth and live and I knew that I desperately needed to quit, my mind started circling all the issues that I thought were dilemmas. Honestly, I didn’t consider rehab. I really just wanted to quit and move on with my life – of course, not expecting the loss that would come with quitting. I did desperately want Mark to quit but I just knew that he wouldn’t; he never thought meth was our problem, only mine. He said that I couldn’t handle it. Yeah, I couldn’t. I didn’t know how life would be after meth but I just knew that I had to quit; so I jumped off the cliff (so to say) and called my dad and told him what was going on. No, I didn’t tell him, I sobbed to him what was going on and he told me it was time to come home and call my boss and tell him what was going on. Two of the hardest phone calls I ever made and both with difference outcomes. I ended up losing that job, and never slept in my house with Mark ever again.
I saw Mark only two more times after I left that day; one time was when I went back to our house and got my dog that I had before we got together, and when we met at an attorney’s office to remove my name from our house. In answer to the dilemma that the addicted boyfriend will be there when you get out of rehab has a definitive conclusion: to be free from meth will mean that meth must be removed from your life. Did your heart just sink? Please, have courage and don’t let it. If you choose to go to rehab and it’s time to re-enter the world, wouldn’t you rather be free to get on your feet, become strong in the new person that you will become, have a place for a new, healthy relationship to eventually grow? If the boyfriend (or girlfriend) is not going to join you in leaving meth, then have courage and let them go! There are healthy and happy relationships waiting for you ahead!
I know I hid behind lies when I was an addict. You can’t tell anyone around you that you are using and when people notice the changes that you go through while being addicted, you must lie and isolate to hide your secrete life. So, to the addict that hesitates going to rehab because it means that you’ll have to tell your family that you’re addicted, the truth is part of setting you free. Are you worried that they will think badly of you? Why? Because you realize that you have a problem and want to fix it? Because you know that you are destroying yourself and have decided that you don’t want that to happen?
Yes, telling my dad was so hard. He really liked Mark and I didn’t know how he would take the news but he just accepted the situation and he expected me to follow his directions. Truth and transparency will be what begins to glue relationships back together but you have to do your part and tell the truth. No more lies, no more hiding.
Why I didn’t go to rehab
I didn’t consider rehab because I knew I couldn’t afford it. I did have insurance through my work but it didn’t cover drug rehabilitation but it did cover three sessions of counselling. After I told my boss (and he consulted with his supervisors), he told me that I was removed from my position without pay until certain criteria had been met, including going to all my counselling appointments. That was pretty devastating since that would mean that I would have no money and no way to support myself while being separated from Mark. My boss told me that after I completed my counselling appointments (and depending on the recommendation of my counselor), I would be considered to return to work. My head was hanging after I left work to go to my dad’s house and start coming down.
Six hard-weeks later I called my boss and told him that the counselling was complete. He called the counselor and she recommended that I be reinstated. He called me back and said that the company wasn’t convinced that I was sober and wanted me to check into rehab. In truth, I got super mad and hung up on him. Never talked to him ever again and that job was gone. Part of starting over is losing everything. In hindsight, I’m glad I didn’t stay with the job because it would have put me in the same location as Mark and who knows if I would have been strong enough to stay way and remain sober. I believe God’s hand was it in to lose that job even though at the time I was devastated.
Family support is so important when attempting to become sober. I know that in so many situations that family tie has been severed due to addiction and you might feel like there is no way that the family will ever accept you back. This takes me back to my point of being truthful and transparent. Perhaps your family will have to see the changes in you before accepting you back, so leaving meth and starting a normal life will be one of the best ways to show them that you are ready for another chance. Tell your family. Ask them just too at least pray for you and in turn, you’ll be ready to regain their trust after you deal with coming down. Maybe you’ve asked too much from them while addicted so opening up lines of communication without asking for anything but prayers may be a start.
If you are a family member that has been burned badly by the addict in your family, I don’t blame you for not wanting to support them in any way, especially if all they have ever done is taken from you. But please listen, do you want to miss out on a relationship with them that is healthy, transparent, truthful, loving, and growing? Do you want to miss out on their new, beautiful life? There are still life milestones that need to be crossed and do you want to miss out on that. It’s okay to be cautious, and in fact, I recommend that you do proceed with cautious. The addict is about to go on the fight of their life if they decided to get sober. If you love them at all, become interested in their desire to become sober. Become involved in whatever method they choose to start sobriety. If it means driving them to meetings and sitting with them, if it means visiting them in rehab, if it means talking to their counselor or being in on an appointment, or taking them to coffee or making them a healthy meals while they are coming down, just a little will go a long way in building the relationship. You can reach the point that this hardship will be in the past and you can be joyful while sitting in a pew of a potential successful marriage. Miracles do happen. They least you can do, starting today, is pray for them.
If you want to go to rehab, GO TO REHAB! Anything is better than living another day under meth’s death grip. If you lose a bad, unhealthy relationship, great! There will be healthy relationships in your future. If you need to be truthful and tell your family, great! That might be the first step in getting their support and open up a new relationship. Getting clean is one step at a time process and TODAY is a great day to take that first step.
If you are deciding what you are going to do and how you are going to release this meth chain, I recommend the first step is drop to your knees and pray! Surrender yourself, ask for help with the addiction, ask for forgiveness, and ask for clear signs of what to do next. And keep praying. I promise you will see a path being laid out before you with a sober life waiting for you on the other end.
“Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous: not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling but on the contrary, blessing, knowing that you were called to this that you may inherit a blessing. Let him turn away from evil and do good; Let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayers…” 1 Peter 3:8, 9, 11, 12.