“I stepped out of bed after not sleeping all night, to get up and go to work, my face sunk in and heavy, my heart hurting, tired, dazed, gotta do another line…get to work, go hide in the bathroom to do another line, gotta rush home to do more dope, not eating, not drinking, no sleep, feeling my body shutting down.”
This statement is absolutely so real; hopelessly addicted and chained up by meth but still trying to live a normal life. When I read this statement, my heart hurts for whoever wrote it. Really, it could have been me that wrote it because I’ve been there. It’s at this point you are so lost and certain that no one understands. Only a fellow meth addict can understand.
Specifically, I can remember a time toward the end with my time with Mark that I felt my body shutting down. Everything around me was on the cusp of collapsing, and fighting with Mark was taking every last bit of strength I had. It was physically the most depleted I’ve ever been. I may be weighed 100 lbs, my sinuses were fried, my face felt totally sunk in and hurt all the time, I constantly had a headache, my chest and heart-felt like it was getting tired of fighting to work, and my eyes constantly watered from lack of sleep. My hands shook all the time from the meth and low blood sugar from not eating. I just wanted to sleep but couldn’t – there was meth to be done.
With this entire personal struggle, I was still trying to live a ‘normal’ life. Feeling like this made me very self-conscious of how I looked so I struggled hard to pretend that I was fine. Smile! Talk happily like I did before I was lost in meth (meaning I talked super loud and fast about absolutely nothing)! Be the loving and vibrant person I was before I was chained. I tried to be pretty (sucked up isn’t pretty). I tried to be attractive with my bones and baggy jeans. I let my hair grow long and wild and stopped wearing a bra. It was exhausting being something that I wasn’t anymore.
However, my body shutting down naturally had a major effect on my mental capacity. I could be smiling one minute and turn into scratching, crazy, screaming person the next. Then tears and anxiety would wash over me and I would be a bawling heap – but then realize how un-normal that was I would quickly try to pick myself up and brush off the incident. Wow, no wonder people looked at me like I was crazy. I was. My body was shutting down.
I was trying to eat. I usually had an egg and cheese sourdough sandwich most mornings and that was about it for food. My lunch break from work was usually spent waiting for our dealer/friend to take a break from his lunch to hook us up. I was usually EXTRA HIGH going back to work from lunch – good grief, my eyes were CROSSED I was so high. The computer screen would vibrate so much I could hardly see it but it was actually my eyes bouncing in my head. My face would hurt, my heart would pound, my hands would shake, my lips were stretched tight, my skin would itch. Yeah. makes my stomach ache now thinking about it.
A friend who had an idea something was up with me (but I had successfully lied every time she asked) saw me one day and became concerned over how wasted away I was. She suggested that I start drinking Ensure vitamin drinks and taking St. John’s Wart. I didn’t do the St. John’s Wart but I did start drinking Ensure. They helped my insides not to feel so collapsed and achy. It got me by.
I never want to feel this way ever again and I’m grateful for God’s strength and decision to leave that behind. I feel blessed that I don’t think I did any severer damage to myself and I am grateful and surprised how the body can recover from this. Feeling strong and healthy is definitely a huge blessing.
So, friend, if you are feeling hopelessly addicted and your body is shutting down, now is the best time to stop before it’s too late! It feels so good not to have my face hurt and my heart pounding out of my chest while I’m trying to sleep at night. Your body will heal! You CAN overcome this! It’s amazing and it feels so good! You don’t have to go on feeling like this and being chained to meth. Break the chain and take that first step toward getting your body back.
The REAL good news is that you don’t have to do it alone! First, there is God so grab a Bible, send upward a plea for help, and get to know Him. The Bible holds promises of the life that is waiting for you, gives you encouragement when you know you’re at the bottom, and guides you toward health and life. There are so many resources out there that want to help you get your life and health back. You just have to make a decision. PLEASE think about it before your body shuts down.
Will you think about it?
Til next time, peace.
If you are thinking about quitting and need a plan to get started, visit my page or let’s talk about it! Every day on meth is wasting a day of normal life.