Losing EVERYTHING.

Have you lost your job, your husband, your best friend, and your house? Been kicked out of your home? Yeah, most of us have experienced one of those in a day – maybe two. It’s a bad day! One that you think will probably define you for a while but how quickly life returns to normal or something else comes up.

But all at once?

And what really sucks is when you still have it all (even though it might be falling apart) while you are still on meth and then you lose if AFTER you choose to quit. It’s pretty hard to swallow. That’s what happened to me. It didn’t happen all in one day, though. It happened over a month.

If you want to find out what happened to lead up to this, read My last December with Mark  and My first week clean, and my time line.

I loved Mark – I really did. However the fighting had gotten so bad the last two years that we were together (and I’m not a fighter), there was a sense of relief and a decrease of stress once we separated. We still fought every time I communicated with him after I came down until we finally went our separate ways, but our relationship was really fun until meth tore us apart. Well, there was one day we didn’t fight and that is when we met at a lawyers office to have my name taken off the house. We wished each other good luck and that was the last time I saw Mark. In hindsight, I could have taken him to the cleaners and gotten half of everything we owned – but honestly, it wasn’t work dragging the pain and issues on and on. Our divorce was simple, a clean cut, and final. It was worth my mental health not to fight him over material things. It actually really worked in my favor not to fight with him over the house and have my name taken off because It gave me a chance to start clean over. It was about a year later that a mutual friend told me that he had filed bankruptcy and had lost the house. He put everything is storage and was living on couches, he didn’t pay the storage and lost even more. I had another friend tell me that he saw the Harley Davidson in a pawn show (that really broke my heart). I had friends tell me that he had to take his dogs to the pound because he had no where to take them. His health was so bad he couldn’t work anymore.  Mark had lost EVERYTHING too. And that is all I know of him. I have no idea where he is at or if he is even still alive. I do hope that he finally quit, starting taking care of himself, and found his new normal life. Its sad.

I LOVED my job. Besides the fact it was the best paying job I’ve ever had. I still dream about it and wish for it – crazy. I know, silly. It was high-paced and exciting. I loved the people I worked with and love how they adored me. It was in an interesting industry and I felt so smart! I worked there for four years and I learned so much! The ironic part was it had AWESOME insurance and I never used it because I was too high. GRRRR. Anyways……

I loved my house with my ex-husband, Mark. We lived out of town in the country with the houses spread apart and mustangs running  through our yard. It was living a dream for me. We could ride our horses out of our backyard and ride for DAYS without a fence turning us back. Amazing sunsets, beautiful stars, panoramic scenery – it was PERFECT. It was a great house, nice size, and we both loved living there. It had been his house before we got together but soon after we were married, he added me on.

ON TOP OF THAT, I FINALLY had my DREAM BARN and horse property. You don’t understand what a highlight this was for me in my life. Just having my horse finally in my backyard versus at a boarding stable was HUGE. But we built the horse area ourselves and it was exactly how I always wanted. I LOVED it more than everything.

I LOVED riding on the back of the Harley Davidson. Of course, it was his bike before we got together but we rebuilt her together and I always loved her like she was mine. I LOVED putting my leathers on and feeling the wind in my face. I LOVED being a biker-chick. The best thing was riding my horse but it was a close second.

I had a lot of personal belongings at that house that I never saw again. When I ran for my life, I could only fit so much in a small, two-door Prelude, and especially since I was strung-out when I was packing, I grabbed a lot of things I didn’t need and missed a lot of things that I still yearn.

So, when I finally was able to pick myself up off my dad’s floor among the dogs, I started to realize that my life would NEVER be the same. And I was about to lose a lot more.

I went to the counseling appointments that my job required me to attend for a month, and even though the counselor determined that going back to work was the best thing for me, my boss said that the company agreed that I could come back after I went to rehab. I had already been a month clean. I couldn’t afford rehab, (I was MAD) declined his offer and I never spoke to him again. Job lost.

I went back to the house the next month to get my horse. Mark, my ex, insisted that I not come for anything and I was getting anxious for my horse and my belongings. Once the snow melted enough, a friend from the boarding stable and I drove out to the house (while I knew Mark was at work) and I took my horse and whatever I could fit in the truck from the barn. Mark was CRAZY mad when he got home and realized my horse was gone. It was ugly.

I only saw the house one more time and that was during early summer when Jack took me to get my dog I had left there. We just pulled up, got the dog, and left. And that was that.

Mark brought a trailer load of belongings to storage and that was all that I was given. I was too weak in spirit to really argue with him. And that was the last time I saw him.

Every time I heard a Harley Davidson (and sometimes I still do), my heart feels sick.

The only thing I had from my old life was my car but I didn’t see it for about two months after I came down because it was buried in snow. But at least I still had that. It was something and it was paid off.

So, along with going through the states of coming down from meth (Read the 5 Stages of Meth Recovery) my world was upside down. It would have been SO EASY to go back to meth and just forget about all the pain and loss (yes, I know it would still be there when I came down again but at that point, you are willing to try just about anything to feel “normal” again).

BUT SLOWLY life returned to a new normal! I wouldn’t trade in my life now for any of the things I missed so much for so long (well, I might trade a little something for the barn and having the horse in the backyard again). I don’t pine for those things anymore; furthermore, I love what I have now!! This new life, with new interests, with new patterns, with new people completely replaces everything I lost!

And it can be this way for you too. It’s hard losing everything especially in these circumstances! It feels like it’s going to break you! But I’m here to tell you that it is worth working through the pain and getting past the things that hold you back so you can enjoy whatever the new life has to give you. You might have to work on it but its there and it’s available. It’s a GOOD THING that you aren’t alone!

But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved). Ephesians 2:4,5

 

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About Carlee Walker

My name is Carlee and I'm a meth addict. I've been clean for nine years and celebrating normal life. Yes, a meth addict can have a normal life and the addiction can be like a scar on the knee. AND you don't have to face your addiction alone! Jesus has already promised to help us if we just call on Him - and my life is now fulfilling thanks to Him. Come, journey with me. Share with me. Grow with me. Together, we can celebrate normal life.