Have you read “The End – No wait, the Beginning” http://carleewalker.com/the-end-no-wait-the-beginning/ ?
Before I share with you the pivotal point of my addiction recovery – the event that will forever change me and ensure that I will NEVER use meth again – I want to share with you first my thoughts about forgiveness. Because it is only that I know that I am forgiven that I can lay my shame before you praying that it will inspire you to lay your shame before God and know that you are also forgiven. Only then can you move into normal life free of what you’ve done in the darkness of meth.
Psalm 103:8-12 The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep His anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us.
What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done? You don’t really need to answer that but we all have our darkest moment. Maybe you’ve already dealt with it and are forgiven. Maybe you think that no one, including God, could ever forgive you. Maybe you’ve ready paid the consequences for your mistake, or maybe you are still waiting hoping that no one will ever find out. Are you full of shame for what you’ve done? I’m not going to tell you every event of that day – but I will tell you the events that compounded how this was the lowest point of my life.
So, its day four of coming down. Jack and I are starting to move around – but only because we have to. I have an appointment at 11am. I’ll remember the sun was shining bright that morning but it was freezing cold. We decided to go to breakfast before making our way to the office. We were still ravishing hungry and had eaten all the food in the house – a restaurant was our best bet.
At breakfast, we realized that we didn’t have enough money for the appointment. Stress level sky-rocked me back into wanting nothing but my bed but darkness. It doesn’t take much for stress to become unbearable at this point in coming down. We decided we would need to go to a payday advance and get funds. Went in, stood in line (appointment time is getting closer and closer) and then was denied because I had gone into debt with a payday advance agency when I was with Mark – DEVISTATING blow to an already horrible day and added stress. What to do but panic? A bump, at this point, wasn’t an option. Jack had the idea to maybe borrow some money from a bartender friend who was just getting off shift a few doors down. She happily lent us the money – but I always wondered if she would have lent us the money if she had known what the money was going to be used for.
We arrived at the appointment just in time to sign-in… and then the sit in the full waiting room. Hard to believe how many other women were sitting there for the same reason and for the same appointment. My heart was cold and I just wanted my bed and darkness again. Stress made me feel dull and sick.
Then, unexpectedly, I was called back into an office where a counselor wanted to talk to me. She just wanted to make sure that I was sure about what I was about to do. I TOLD HER EVERYTHING. It felt good to talk about the addiction, about coming down, about how much meth I had been doing over the last month, and how I just couldn’t live with myself and bring a baby into this world – sick and addicted as it was SURE to be. I had been doing so much meth that I was sure it would have come out with eight arms, six legs, one eye and no heart. That’s what I felt like – I had no heart. I cried. It was so real in that moment what I was about to do; its 10x worse than putting a pet down knowing that you are putting it out of its misery. She passed me tissue as I lived in my darkest moment – MY PIVOTAL POINT. Then a nurse came and told me it was time.
I surfaced from darkness that afternoon in my own bed. Depression hung around my head. It was done. It is what it is. Now to move forward, and my life in recovery could truly begin.
And that’s why I will never do meth again.
Isaiah 1:18 “Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.