When You Realize You Can’t Quit.

“You wake up one day and look back at everyday use and realize you can’t stop.”

That was a scary day. The feeling of desperation turned my empty stomach into knots. I thought for sure I was in control. I could stop if I WANTED to. Nope. That’s not the way this drug works.

I remember that I really wanted to slow down. I noticed how my drug dealer/friend seemed to be able to be on the drug and keep up on living and taking care of his responsibilities. He worked in construction, and even though he supplied meth to a lot of men on his crew, they got the buildings built. He was always at work on time and snuck away on lunch break to hook Mark and me up when we needed some. His bills were paid and he had a normal, fighting, meth relationship. He just didn’t do as much so he was more balanced. His secrete was to just do a little to keep him going through the day and give him energy. Another perk was that his bag of dope lasted longer because he wasn’t crazy-high all the time. He controlled how much he did. That sounded like a good plan to me!

It would work for a couple of days; especially when we were running low and trying to figure out how we could get some money or get the courage to ask our dealer/friend to front us some. I don’t even know how much we owed him, but he kept fronting us. One time Mark went and pawned his dad’s jewelry and that went to pay the dealer/friend (instead of the power bill). On those days, we could just get by with little bumps throughout the day and even tried to sleep at night. Then we would run out and make the call, find him on lunch break, and go back to work with a big ol’ bag of meth in Mark’s pocket – grinning with excitement. We’d get home that night and all the dreams of ‘making it last’, and ‘only doing what we needed to function’ and ‘being responsible’ with it went up with the smoke from our bowl.

Next we faced major regret – at least for me. I would start hating myself for feeling strung out and sick. I would hate myself for being weak and dependent. I would hate myself for not standing up to Mark and telling him that we needed to be more responsible – but standing up to Mark was no easy thing. But I think the real killer moment was when I woke up and looked at my sucked-up face and realized that I couldn’t quit. I needed to go right then and smoke a bowl just to get to work, have a bump before going into work, have a bump mid-morning, do a line at lunch, do a bump to get home, smoke a huge bowl when we got home, and then if it all goes right and we aren’t fighting yet, party all night just so I can see this same face in the mirror tomorrow. Many times I cried.

It is a horrible feeling. If you are there, you know. You don’t want to do it anymore just because you know it rules over everything you do. You don’t even know what you would be without it. You tell yourself that you are going to walk out of the bathroom and deny yourself to just prove to yourself that you DO have control. And there is Mark, waiting for you on the bed with a big bowl packed and the truck started ready to leave for work. I knew I would never survive the drive to work without it.

Meth is a death chain around your entire body and mind. However, the day will come when you can let go of the chain and it can fall at your feet. It might take some time before you can step out of its coil on the ground. It might take a few months for you to be able to take a step backward and start feeling grateful. It might take a few years to put some miles between you and that chain. It might take a few more years for that chain to be years away.

My message for you is that it can be done through God’s strength, outside support, resources, accountability, and a life-style change. Through all this you can have a brand new life filled with true fulfillment and without meth-stress. I’ve compared meth to a scar on my knee because that is all it is to me. Yes, friend, it can be that way for you. But I plead with you to make the decision before you are FORCED to quit due to incarceration or death.

Life is waiting for you. Jesus has a big hand that wants to hold yours. Start by getting a plan and take the first step.

Till next time, peace.

About Carlee Walker

My name is Carlee and I'm a meth addict. I've been clean for nine years and celebrating normal life. Yes, a meth addict can have a normal life and the addiction can be like a scar on the knee. AND you don't have to face your addiction alone! Jesus has already promised to help us if we just call on Him - and my life is now fulfilling thanks to Him. Come, journey with me. Share with me. Grow with me. Together, we can celebrate normal life.