Scared to Drive.

What scared me the most when I was on meth? DRIVING! What do you think of that, or can you relate? I know it was the same for Jack too. When you have to sit that long without any sleep, your body wants to CRASH no matter how much meth you do. Honestly, driving scared me more than losing everything, people finding out about my dirty habit, or getting caught by the police (well, that might be stretching it a little). In all, when you’ve been up for a couple of days, you have no business driving!

When I was with Mark, we lived about 50 minutes from work over a mountain pass. It was a tight two-lane, curvy road that had a steep drop-off over a guard rail. Because of the drive time, we had early morning starts. After being up all night (or nights), it was always a dash to get ready for work so there could be adequate time to get VERY high before the drive to keep us awake. In fact, there were many times we would dump a line into some coffee on top of smoking the pipe just to help us stay awake. We would walk out in the early morning light WIDE-EYED and vibrating, and jumped in the car – or on the Harley (yeah, super smart us). And then….. just as the road got windy and our butts were comfortable in the seats, and the conversation lulled, our chins would begin to bounce off our chests. It’s the CRAZIEST feeling – you really think you are awake. I mean, good grief, you just did enough meth to easily party all night and your eyes feel wide open, but you would suddenly feel like you were imploding and everything inside of you would just crash inward. It’s like your body would shut down with your eyes wide awake. And once your chin started bouncing off your chest, there was no stopping it. As a passenger in this situation, you can’t fall asleep because you need to stay awake to watch and support the driver. Many times we would even pull over and smoke another bowl just to make it to work and it would like for a couple of miles, but without being able to move around, the body gives up and starts to crash. SO MANY TIMES I have no idea how we did that drive and make it to work.

ONE of the pluses to tweak-fighting while driving is that you didn’t really have to deal with the passing-out issue – you were definitely awake the whole trip. Good grief.

Then there was the tricky situation of driving by yourself with no one to talk to you. Wow, so you know what I did to help me stay away while driving to work? My nails. I would tweak on my nails at home by putting fake white French tips and acrylic on, and then either file them IN THE CAR WHILE DRIVING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN or I would simply pick them off and do it again later when I got home. Really. That’s what I did. I would have to shake my skinny-self off when I got to work because I would be covered in fine acrylic dust or with fake nails and peeled-off acrylic.

Unfortunately, with Jack too, I can tell many stories of us trying to get somewhere longer than 15 minutes without passing out behind the wheel. And again, if you were the passenger, it was your ‘responsibility’ to watch the driver, talk to them, and make sure they don’t fall asleep – all the while your head is bouncing off your chest. It’s SCARY! Whenever getting ready to drive somewhere, the question asked a million times was, ‘Are you okay to drive? Sure?’

Funny, the driving issues still linger with Jack and I; now, the passenger does take every opportunity to sleep during road trips, however, we are in the habit of popping up out of a deep sleep and ask the other, ‘are you okay to drive? Sure?’ But now, once assured of the drivers’ ability to continue driving, the passenger falls back to sleep.

Now living in normal life where I get between 7 to 8 hours of sleep each night, I can smile and just be glad that I don’t go through that every day any more. What a blessing! I’m so thankful that I didn’t kill myself or someone else. Sitting here writing this I remember a couple of times that I crossed over the dividing lines on the mountain or I was headed to the guard rail blocking the cliff. I know of one time that I almost caused a serious accident between two other cars. How my life would have REALLY changed if I had done that. I shudder to think about it.

This just all makes me SO GRATEFUL for normal life. I’m grateful for sleep. I’m grateful and willing whenever I’m asked to drive on a road trip by my in-laws. I’m grateful for beautiful mornings after a restful sleep. I’m grateful for moments like this one where I’m going to give you my final thoughts and GO TO BED.

I make light of a serious situation tonight. But in all seriousness, I just want encourage you that if you know exactly what it feels like to be so high and tired at the same time, by quitting, you eliminate this issue! I want to assure you that after quitting, you can drive and not be high doing it. You can go on road trips and be happy arriving safely at your destination. And road trips go by much quicker when you don’t have to stop and get high the whole time to stay awake.

There is so much good in re-joining normal life; and driving is one of many reasons.

Until next time, peace.

About Carlee Walker

My name is Carlee and I'm a meth addict. I've been clean for nine years and celebrating normal life. Yes, a meth addict can have a normal life and the addiction can be like a scar on the knee. AND you don't have to face your addiction alone! Jesus has already promised to help us if we just call on Him - and my life is now fulfilling thanks to Him. Come, journey with me. Share with me. Grow with me. Together, we can celebrate normal life.