Suspicion. I hate this feeling. But when you live with an addict, or have a family member who is an addict, it is like a dark cloud. One of the major problems with meth is a person can see changes in habits and behavior in a person (addict), even to the point that the changes are extreme enough that the probability of knowing that person is on meth is very likely, unless you are holding the proof in your hand, you can’t know for sure (unless you are hold a positive drug test). Let me explain.

When Jack and I met, he was on meth (yeah, more to tell you about that) so I knew “him” as an addict, not really him. For the first three years of our relationship, I only knew the meth him…. his patterns, his reactions, his desires, his triggers. Than after we came down, I got to know real him – his patterns, etc. when he’s not on meth. Two different people in the same body. If you are close to an addict, you know what I mean.

Need more examples? Of course, he doesn’t sleep at all or hardly when he’s on meth and his normal sleep patterns are he likes to go to bed late and sleep in until about 10am. When he’s coming down, he twitches a lot in his sleep and is restless. When he’s straight, he can sleep through anything (including alarms, baby crying, loud conversations, etc.). When it comes to his behavior, Jack is a real easy-going guy, funny, and mellow. When he’s on meth, he’s paranoid, HORNEY, argumentative, disagreeable, and sometimes just downright nasty (HEY, but I’m no angel either and I’ll tell you more about that too). When Jack is on meth, naturally, he won’t be hungry. He’ll always say he’ll eat later. When he’s sober, well, nothing is safe.

So, last weekend, we had a guest visit that at one time steered Jack back down the road to meth (as you guess, I’ll tell you more about that later). I’ve had a couple people share concerns with me that this friend is using meth again but while he was here, I didn’t see any noticeable signs (but honestly, I don’t know him that well except that I have seen him strung out before). I wouldn’t know what the slight indicators would be with him but there was nothing alarming too me.

But for the last 4 days, I’ve seen very subtle changes in Jack; not sleeping good at night, on edge (I feel an argument could start with any word said), he’s asking weird questions about my day and my whereabouts (paranoia). His lips are tight, when I sat close to him, his breath was fluttery, and he was restless. I know it sounds freakin crazy but those are all subtle clues! When you are so use to someone’s habits and you know that card might be in play because of who he was around, it makes you SUSPECIOUS. He knows that his world would implode if I found out but would the opportunity be too appealing that it would be worth the risk? I don’t know that answer.

The suspicion started to drive me crazy. It reminds me of other dark times we’ve had and it totally puts me on edge and suspicious. It makes me want to check his pockets, go through his phone, go through his car, follow him around with a microscope.

I don’t want to live like that anymore. This is the past haunting me at a time in my life that I’ve left all that behind. I know our relationship will go nowhere if I treat him with suspicion. The suspicion was driving my thinking into a dark place where I was abscessing on ridiculous assumptions. Once my head gets on this downward spiral, I’ve always found it impossible to snap out of it. It totally affects my mood and I become a nasty person. And so while I was driving back from the store it hit me. Pray. So I did.

I told Him that my thinking wasn’t going to do my relationship with Jack any good, I know it’s not the way He wants me to be – it does not reflect Jesus’ love or His forgiveness (both that I gladly accept from Him). I prayed recognizing the fact that even if Jack had tried to slip some past me this week and use again that Jesus would be with me no matter what happened. I claimed His promises that I hold dear to me found in Psalm 142:3, “When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then You know my path. In the way in which I walk.” I prayed for a song to be given to me from Him to drive away my dark thoughts and suspicion. And I gave my life to Him again.

Next was my miracle. I heard and felt in my core Jesus telling me that He will never leave or forsake me. And then a song came to me that I’ve sang and played since I was a child; about loving Jesus and lifting my voice to worship Him. I found myself singing in the car, basking in my new peace. I got home with my heart lifted, the negative feelings and suspicion gone. My life is in Jesus’ hands.

I don’t know how much you can relate to this. I guess my point in telling you this is that if you are drowning in suspicion and worry over your meth addict, pray. If the stress and worry are affecting you and your emotions, pray. I know it seems impossible to let the worry go of something that can have a major effect on your life like someone close using meth, but like I said at the beginning, unless you have the physical proof in your hand like a pipe, a bag of meth, or a positive drug test, obsessing over suspicion will only harm your own health. Pray for direction, for guidance, and most of all, peace. And pray for a new song to be in your heart so your thoughts can be focused on things that really matter and need your best attention.

REMEMBER, He left a promise for you! ‘….for He has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?” Hebrews 13:5.

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About Carlee Walker

My name is Carlee and I'm a meth addict. I've been clean for nine years and celebrating normal life. Yes, a meth addict can have a normal life and the addiction can be like a scar on the knee. AND you don't have to face your addiction alone! Jesus has already promised to help us if we just call on Him - and my life is now fulfilling thanks to Him. Come, journey with me. Share with me. Grow with me. Together, we can celebrate normal life.