THANKSGIVING – the good and the bad.
I love Thanksgiving – but I’ve had good ones and I’ve had bad ones. The two Thanksgivings that I had with Mark, my ex-husband, I remember being so high that I couldn’t eat. There is a since of excitement around that just made getting too high to function to easy. I remember one Thanksgiving that his sister and family came to our house for dinner. I cleaned and smoked the pipe, and cleaned and smoked the pipe, while Mark did the cooking and smoked the pipe, etc. So, by the time company came (which consisted of his sister, brother-in-law, and mother, the house was not cleaned (I had spent the whole time tweaker-cleaning the vacuum) and the dinner barely ready (he was tweaking on the turkey and deep-fryer). He was cranky and we were so high that we couldn’t eat. I remember just wishing everyone would leave so we could get higher. So instead, we drank ourselves silly and talked super-fast. Amazingly, everyone did leave pretty early (looking back we must have looked like fools) and we just proceeded to get higher.
But I remember a really bad Thanksgiving with Mark. It was our last together and the night before, we got into a massive tweaker fight. I slept on the coach and I was cold. He came out the next morning and told me just to leave. I was a MESS, hadn’t eaten in a couple of days, and now he wanted me to leave. I lived almost an hour from my family and that meant an hour trying to drive. Driving is one of the worse things because it is so easy to fall asleep. At least by this time I was sneaking a small amount of dope out of each bag and hiding it for myself. Our fighting was so bad now that I had to keep some for myself just to survive.
I grabbed some cloths and bolted. I drove to the local grocery store and used the bathroom to do a line. Then I headed to my dad’s house. I called him along the way and he said he was at this bar he usually hung out at and told me to come there.
I remember barely getting to the bar and quickly went to the bathroom to do another line. I was almost out but luckily the bar was close to where my dealer lived and I called him begging to come down and help me. My dad bought me a few drinks and there was plenty of pot around to keep the evening fun and going until my deal arrive with a small present for me. That night I introduced my dealer to my dad. How uncool is that? I told my dad that he was taking me out to his car to smoke some more pot but really for a line that was way too long and got me so high I’m surprised that my heart didn’t burst. No one questioned why I didn’t eat of the free Thanksgiving dinner that the bar provided. No one asked me why my size 0 pants hung off my body. No one asked where my husband was (well, my dad did and I just told him we had gotten into a huge fight. My dad had been the sound board for our fights recently so he didn’t seem too surprised). And I was too high to realize that this was no way to spend Thanksgiving. The only thing good about that Thanksgiving is that I met a couple of friends who are still close in my inner circle of friends. Very blessed I’ve had them in my life for so long and no, none of them use.
I don’t remember what happened the rest of that night. I stayed over at my dad’s house and it snowed. The next morning, Mark called and asked me ‘where in the hell I was’ and ‘why in the hell I wasn’t at home.’ Confusing because he was the one that kicked me out of the house on Thanksgiving, but that shows you how far gone his thinking was by this point. He told me to get my *** home so I can take care of the horses and get the chores done because he was sick. So home I went.
So, this Thanksgiving (about 7 years later) I am perched on a stool at my wonderful in-laws house. One son is sleeping upstairs, one son I at the park with his grandpa, husband is watching football, and my jeans aren’t hanging off my body. A wonderful homemade dinner is waiting to be cooked for dinner and I’m going to enjoy it. This is so much nicer. This is so much less painful. This is so much less stressful. Ahhh, a normal Thanksgiving.
The holidays can be a real trigger point. It can be so easy to let the stress of the day including the expectations of family members overwhelm us and we act out negatively. I totally get it. But I promise you by hanging onto tightly God’s promises, you can feel genuine thankfulness on Thanksgiving and it feels so good.
Let’s be honest – have you ruined a couple of holidays with your behavior? Have you turned a wonderful family event into a cop-calling event? Do you think your family dreads having you over for the festivities? Do you regret what you did but you deal with it by doing another line.
Look, it doesn’t have to be that way. We have a whole year in front of us to prepare for the next holidays. Can you image your family looking forward to having you for dinner ‘because you’ve been clean for a couple of months now and doing so good.’ Want to try a non-messy Thanksgiving?
Family, did your addict ruin your Thanksgiving? Next time, unless you see some serious changes in his or her life, do yourself a favor and don’t invite them next year, okay? What, are you worried about hurting their feelings? Really? You enjoy the craziness and the stress? It doesn’t mean that you don’t love them, it just means that you aren’t going to tolerate his/her behavior anymore. Contact me if you want to talk more about this.
I want to hear about your Thanksgiving. How did it go? Do you wish it had been better? Was it a mess or was it peaceful? Were you thankful or surviving? Tell me…..